Rethinking Resolutions

By Karin Stawarky

We associate many things with the month of January: the taking down of holiday decorations, MLK day, football playoffs, clearance sales, winter weather delays … and resolutions. As we close out the month, I wonder how many resolutions formed so earnestly on January 1st have held….

I have a problem with resolutions. Why? For one, resolutions are black and white. Further, we often set the targets aggressively, tending to be driven by what we think we should do versus what is realistic or feasible. These targets tend to be either falsely precise (I will lose 15 pounds by May 1! I will run 3 times a week! I will only have wine on Saturday! I will not check my phone before bed! I will get 8 hours of sleep every night! I will host weekly dinner parties!) or abstract (I will be more patient with the friend who texts me incessantly about the minutia of life).

Framed in that way, resolutions become zero-sum games – we win /lose, we succeed / fail. There is no continuum, no grey zone. The question is stark: did we meet it or not? We have a tendency to only say we have ‘achieved’ if we hit whatever concrete goal we have defined. That is how we have been schooled to think about resolutions, and what our societal norms tend to promote. Who jumps up and down for partial victories (e.g. I ran once this week instead of 3 times)?

I offer that it is in our collective consciousness that resolutions don’t work. Think about the number of jokes we hear or tell each other on the breaking of resolutions. Deep down, there is a belief seeded that resolutions are meant to be written, not to be realized. Consider the number of people you see at the gym the first week of January….and how that number dwindles by mid-February.

If you are like many, you may have given resolutions the good college try for a year or two, and then after a spotty track record (perhaps some “wins”, some half-hearted attempts, some non-starters), you profess to friends, “Oh, I don’t do resolutions.” Because why would you want to set yourself up for something that you believe is going to ultimately make you feel bad about yourself? Who needs more opportunities for self-flagellation or blame? No deliberate set-up for discouragement, thank you.

And yet. You wish for something to be different, you dream about an alternative – whatever that may be. How does one get from here to there?

Change is hard. Really hard for us humans. While many of us cognitively are aware of that, we seem to fight it, believing that we can power through to new behaviors with a flip of a switch.

I think we need to give ourselves more grace. No, this does not mean giving ourselves an “out” for not taking steps to take better care of the sacred vessel of our bodies, to show up as better humans to one another, to create better lives for ourselves -- whatever that looks like to you.

It does mean there is the possibility to think differently about how we frame our intentions in a way that gives us permission to respond to dynamically changing contexts, needs, information, and insights.

It also means we celebrate our progress, taking heed of the old adage “life is about the journey, not the destination”. Yes, in the hyper-paced, results-oriented world we live in with instant tabulation of successes and failures, this can be challenging.  I propose that by celebrating small increments of progress or growth, we are reinforcing the shifts in mindset and behavior we are pursuing.

So, what is does the alternate approach look like? Consider the following:

1.    Instead of making a list of specific resolutions (what I will or won’t do), identify two simple things: a state of being (who do I want to be? How do I want others to experience me?) and an area of focus (what part of my life do I want to raise my awareness or consciousness around?).

Take this on for 12 months. The beauty of this approach is there is no right or wrong. Whatever that looks like to you is just perfect. As an example, my state of being for 2019 is to be radiant – radiate the love, joy, wisdom and hope I have within to illuminate the world around me and touch those I interact with. My area of focus is relationships – in all senses of the word: personal and professional, long-lasting and fleeting, new and old.  I chose this state of being and area of focus because I believe that this will help to expand and enrich my life in desired and unexpected ways, all contributing to my wellbeing and my ability to positively affect the world around me.

2.   Add color. What does it mean for me to be radiant? What do I need? In part, it means I need to feel good. What does it take for me to feel good? I think about aspects like the food I’m cooking and consuming, monitoring the amount of sleep I’m getting, listening closely to my body for what it is telling me, creating time for play or “chillaxing” (chilling out + relaxing). [A shout out to my dear friend Julie who introduced this term to me.] I realized that I’ve never allowed myself to chillax. That was not my family model of hyper-productivity. We are always on the go -- doing, working, producing, creating, taking care of others. While still honoring my crackerjack planner mode, I’m now giving myself permission for chillaxing time.

3.   Break it down. Think about it in increments. First, figure out the time interval that most resonates with you – this month, this week, tomorrow. Next, ask yourself what I am going to do to support my state of being? My area of focus? I suggest using the following format:

To support my desired state of being, I seek to _______________. To do that most effectively, I need ________________.

To advance within my area of focus, I seek to _______________. To do that most effectively, I need ________________.

You may find it helpful to write those statements down: in a journal, on a note on your smartphone, on a post-it note that you affix to your bathroom mirror or computer.

(To note: there has been much written about actions or specific techniques for changing one’s habits. I’m not going to focus on that here.)

4.   Pause and reflect. Yes, this is ESSENTIAL. At the end of month, the week, or the day, think about your intention for how you want to be and where you want to give energy and focus. How did it go? What did you learn? What did you notice? What did you experience? How did you experience others as they interacted with you?

5.   Celebrate. Reaffirm your intention and acknowledge your effort towards that – however modest the progress or small the step may seem. Say it aloud to yourself – even better if you say it to yourself while looking in the mirror. For the best coach of you is you.  Would you refrain from cheering on friend, a significant other, a sibling, a co-worker, a child, a favorite team as they try for something they want? So why not say “YAY ME!” (with regularity) in acknowledgement of where you are and where you have come from?

6.   Focus forward. For the next month, or next week, think about the adjustment(s) you will make based on those observations and insights. It helps because we learn as we go, and we may shift approaches or behaviors that are a better fit for what we want to accomplish or experience. The key is flexibility. I may run some experiments one month in the area of relationships and decide that some of them are worth continuing (because I’m feeling energized and I like the response I get from others) and others not because the energy and effort expended was greater than the outcome/benefit I experienced.

I believe in possibility, and in the ability of each one of us to grow into the kind of person we most want to be and life we most desire. Realizing that can be as simple as unleashing the curiosity to explore a different path to make that your reality.